Inability to "Face" things

by Claire S.
(Colorado)

I had come to the realization that something about me was different than the people I admired for the reason that I admired them. I'm constantly watching others, trying to mimic the body positions I find are linked with a sense of spiritual freedom and happiness. It has become an obsession as I grow more aware of the awkwardness of my own body--particularly my face. I am afraid to move because I am afraid to live.

...or vice versa.

I always knew that self-confidence is linked to body posture but over the past two years I have arrived at the same conclusions that are covered in this blog. Because they remained tentative theories pent up in my head, I was never sure if it was a waste of time and if I was crazy to think that making my face relax the way this other girl whose general attitude associated with that expression I admire would create and maintain that same attitude in me--solidifying it into my personality.

While I still believe this to be true, I question it's practicality and the reality of this actually happening for me. I try to maintain these postures and states of intuitive body awareness but am extremely frustrated as I continue to "relapse". There is a dilemma. To have this intuition I have to be constantly thinking about how my body is and to do that I am constantly observing others and trying to collect bits and pieces from their postures to make into my own--essentially creating the self I've always wanted and visualized. However in doing so, I also have to be thinking about how I look to other people because who you are is often defined by who you are to other people. Thus, I am in a cycle of worry about if what I'm emanating is in fact real and perceivable by other people and not my weird mental imagination.

The link between my face and my self.
As you essentially said, the face is the window into the soul. For me, I believe that my face does not reflect who I am. As a result of not connecting to it, I have a difficult time expressing emotions and am often mis-read. I therefore have been suppressing emotions fiercely and unconsciously so much throughout the day I don't even think of it as suppression anymore but what life just is. I am afraid to move my face to the emotions I really feel because as a result of this lifetime of hiding emotion, it has evolved into something that is foreign to me and therefore if I allow it to relax, I find it ugly, fat, and not me. My hope is that by gaining the confidence to express my range of emotions my face (and body) will eventually settle into what it's supposed to be. I will be confident, I will be beautiful, and I will be me,

I believe in what you write about but am defeated/frustrated that it can ever become a reality for me--that I can ever become what I truly am and truly want to be--my full potential--confident and not afraid and channeling the essences I know exist. That is my story---as of now.

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Wow, I could've written this!
by: Sharon

Years ago my reflectologist/massage therapist, who was trained to watch people's facial expressions for pain reactions as another check if her hands feel she's hitting a sore spot, said to me: I can't read you at all. Your face is like a blank slate. She didn't know I was using Lamaze birth training techniques as a way to totally mask how MUCH she was killing me with digging into my feet. She kept pressing harder because there was no reactions from me whatsoever!!

I used those Lamaze tools correctly for childbirth, but I abused them later by using them inappropriately to mask any physical pain or emotion I was experiencing. I actually prided myself in how much I could cover up, thinking that was the way of spiritual maturity and holiness. I had no idea I was simply repressing and/or dissociating.

I have also watched how people move and appear who seem spiritual, authentic, loving and present. For awhile I schooled myself in imitating them, but now I know it wasn't just a cover up, it was a true desire in me so I was practicing for the real deal. During my healing years of reconnecting body with thoughts/feelings, my interior and my body/face were on way different wavelengths. Often my interior felt calm and present to what I was experiencing yet my body/face flushed and flashed and sent me into hormonal and hypoglycemic fits or Rosacea breakouts.

Or my body/face were truly calm and/or expressive while my interior was stuck, blank or crashing and mashing. It still works that way often for me. After 40yrs of repressing emotions and fixing my facial expressions, I figure my body/face is going to go into convulsions once in awhile even tho I'm not feeling interiorly convulsed.

I'm learning to just be kind to myself in the process. More and more, as I keep centering on my intention to live true and authentically love - my inside matches my outward body movements and facial expressions.

Sometimes when I'm really scattered, I begin imitating how my body/face moves and feels when I'm loving and centered while asking for the grace to be truly loving. It actually helps me be receptive to love and then I can slowly become authentically loving.

It's no longer a cover up because I truly desire my insides to match my outsides and my deepest desire is to live true, to love and be loving. I may not ever be a perfect match inside and outside, but each moment of harmony feels like progress!
Keep the Intuition going
by: Elle

Claire, you can see that Sharon has been progressing in the integration of her emotions, facial expressions and body expressions.

Claire, you are very sensitive, like she is, to the bodily expressions of others all around you, and therefore desire to manipulate those expressions in yourself!

I believe, that with both of you, your minds have been the command central, ordering your face/body about. Your minds have accepted that they rule supreme and that what your face/body may reflect is no good.

In other words, what is inside you is no good! Who you truly are is no good. You have to hide for fear that the real you will be discovered, and therefore rejected by others! This is the greatest fear of all - that we will be unloved for who we really are - or said conversely, that we cannot be loved if we actually show who we really are!

Claire and Sharon: YOU ARE ENOUGH. Just as you are. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL just the way you are. If your soul contains God-Love, inner joy and inner peace, it will shine forth naturally. You will not have to hide it.

Keep up the work of accepting and receiving Love - so that you are loving first towards yourself, and then slowly, towards others.

Like Sharon, you can truly desire to have your outsides match your insides. Like her, make it your true desire to receive Love and be loving - to live true to yourself! If this is your true desire, it will fall into place as your heart learns to speak louder than your mind! Your heart can then take over your body to show the real you.

Much Love and Healing to you both!
Elle

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